Well my friends, the day has come, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" if you will. Currently we are enjoying a leisurely morning in the cool of Jürgen's nicely air conditioned bedroom, but we will soon make out way outside to enjoy some final moments together before we part for an undetermined amount of time.
I feel lots of different things right now: I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel confident yet I also feel unsure. I feel like a failure but feel hopeful. It's a bevy of emotions really.
I know that going back to Chicago is the right decision for me, right now, but that doesn't undo the fact that I am upset with myself for not trying harder since I have been out here. Yes life threw me a curve ball and I adjusted, but if I am going to strive to be totally honest, I need to admit that I gave up. I was a quitter. I didn't put myself out there. I folded the hand of cards I was dealt before I even tried to hedge a bet. What's that about? This isn't a good side of me. This isn't the person who I strive to be and know I can be. What was the point of all of this?
I am not sure I know just yet. I do know though that I cannot continue down this road. This road of unmet goals and excuses. If I am going to make this move, a move that will separate the two of us, then it has to be worth it. I have to take charge of where my life is headed and what I want it to look like. This is scary.
So I have a new challenge: to reclaim my life and make it better. I am moving back to the place I consider home, so there will be a familiar comfort, but I can't let myself get too comfortable. This move is a change, not a fall back. I do not intend to simply go back to "how things were" pre-NYC, because that path wasn't what I wanted either. I want this to be new, I want this to be different. I hope to God I do not disappoint myself again. That's what scares me the most.
Well it's getting awfully heavy over here (you should be inside my head!). Jokes aside, I am glad I am scared because it means I feel strongly about this, and this just may be what I need to spur me into action. It's ok to be a little afraid right?
Good I am glad you agree.
Next time I sit down to write I will be home in Chicago. Crazy.
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tunnel Vision
First of all let me just start by saying thank you for all of the kind and encouraging words I received via either the comments section of this blog, or facebook, or in a sweet email or in person. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support, encouragement and belief. It feels good to share, and to be appreciated in return. Thank you my dear people.
Since the last entry life has been on hyper drive, and I have been trying my darndest to keep it all together until I reach the end of the tunnel. This "end" of sorts will occur in one week. I just have to make it one week. Lots of things have happened, so I am going to tell you about them. Away we go....
If you didn't already know this, I made the definitive decision to move back to Chicago. Notice I used the term "I" and not "We." Now to be fair, I didn't make this decision without Jurgen's help, advice and encouragement as he has been involved in every facet of the decision making process. But it will simply be me who is trekking back to the Mid-West. Jurg will be staying put, for a little while longer at least. This wasn't an easy choice to make, but it is the right choice for now. I haven't been thriving in New York, which invariably makes me a pretty un-fun person to be around, and Jurgen understands this. He knows that I need to go back for personal (and professional) reasons, and being the supportive and loving husband that he is, he is letting me go. Isn't he lovely? He is staying because while he too misses Chicago terribly, he feels he owes it to himself to give it a final push here in the city before he possibly makes a decision to leave. He has made more connections here and has more momentum than I do, and I 100% understand and support his desire to stick around a bit longer. Sometimes in a relationship you need to be selfish and unselfish at the exact same time, which is what we are doing (for the moment).
Once the big decision was made there were many more decisions that accompanied it including but not limited to "when do I move?" "what do we do about our lease?" "Where will Jurgen live?"
Being a grownup is so annoying sometimes.
In the midst of all of these decisions, Jurgen's Grandfather passed away. He was 82, was called the "Perry Cuomo of Baltimore" and endured a (thankfully) short battle with brain cancer. The funeral was held on June 19th and Jurgen delivered the most incredible eulogy at the service. So good in fact, that several attendants already put in their requests for Jurgen to write and give their eulogies. Being that Jurgen and I are from different home states, and we don't live particularly close to either of them, spending time with one another's family is limited. Sadly I didn't get to spend a lot of time with his Grandfather, but I did have the extreme pleasure of sitting with him on the balcony of his wonderful beach condo in Ocean City two years ago, seeing him cut a rug all night long at our wedding, and to speak with him over Memorial Day weekend. The final time we saw him he was nearing the end of his time here on earth, but he kept repeating "Don't feel bad for me. I am ready to go. I am so happy. I am so happy!" If we all could be at such peace. I hope he is singing Frank Sinatra up in the skies, dancing with his wife and giving my grandparents hi-fives for me.
Side note: With every end to a life a new life seems to emerge, as was the case for my friend Sara who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! I cannot wait to meet this kid.
So, life...it keeps on spinning. Earlier this week we loaded up a Dodge Mini-Van (how sexy is that?) along with our two kitties and made the 13+ hour drive to Chicago. We spent a mere twenty-four hours there before hopping a jet plane back to NYC only to immediately load a Uhaul truck with Jurg's stuff and move him into his new abode in Astoria. The madness was capped off with a thorough deep cleaning of the old Sunnyside apartment. I'm talking Easy Off, yellow rubber gloves, on your knees while you scrub almost eight months' worth of dinners from the inside of the oven cleaning. But it is done. Now it's a matter of getting through this week while I live with Jurgen's two new roommates, and out of a suitcase. Not ideal, but we adapt.
I am interested to see where this new move takes me, takes us. What I have learned from this whole experience is we are never stuck, we do have the ability to pick up and go. To make decisions, make changes. As much as I want to control and set things in stone, there is some comfort in knowing that life moves and shakes without consulting you first, and sometimes you simply have to trust in it.
There is more where that came from my friends! In the meantime have a very happy Fourth!,
Since the last entry life has been on hyper drive, and I have been trying my darndest to keep it all together until I reach the end of the tunnel. This "end" of sorts will occur in one week. I just have to make it one week. Lots of things have happened, so I am going to tell you about them. Away we go....
If you didn't already know this, I made the definitive decision to move back to Chicago. Notice I used the term "I" and not "We." Now to be fair, I didn't make this decision without Jurgen's help, advice and encouragement as he has been involved in every facet of the decision making process. But it will simply be me who is trekking back to the Mid-West. Jurg will be staying put, for a little while longer at least. This wasn't an easy choice to make, but it is the right choice for now. I haven't been thriving in New York, which invariably makes me a pretty un-fun person to be around, and Jurgen understands this. He knows that I need to go back for personal (and professional) reasons, and being the supportive and loving husband that he is, he is letting me go. Isn't he lovely? He is staying because while he too misses Chicago terribly, he feels he owes it to himself to give it a final push here in the city before he possibly makes a decision to leave. He has made more connections here and has more momentum than I do, and I 100% understand and support his desire to stick around a bit longer. Sometimes in a relationship you need to be selfish and unselfish at the exact same time, which is what we are doing (for the moment).
Once the big decision was made there were many more decisions that accompanied it including but not limited to "when do I move?" "what do we do about our lease?" "Where will Jurgen live?"
Being a grownup is so annoying sometimes.
In the midst of all of these decisions, Jurgen's Grandfather passed away. He was 82, was called the "Perry Cuomo of Baltimore" and endured a (thankfully) short battle with brain cancer. The funeral was held on June 19th and Jurgen delivered the most incredible eulogy at the service. So good in fact, that several attendants already put in their requests for Jurgen to write and give their eulogies. Being that Jurgen and I are from different home states, and we don't live particularly close to either of them, spending time with one another's family is limited. Sadly I didn't get to spend a lot of time with his Grandfather, but I did have the extreme pleasure of sitting with him on the balcony of his wonderful beach condo in Ocean City two years ago, seeing him cut a rug all night long at our wedding, and to speak with him over Memorial Day weekend. The final time we saw him he was nearing the end of his time here on earth, but he kept repeating "Don't feel bad for me. I am ready to go. I am so happy. I am so happy!" If we all could be at such peace. I hope he is singing Frank Sinatra up in the skies, dancing with his wife and giving my grandparents hi-fives for me.
Side note: With every end to a life a new life seems to emerge, as was the case for my friend Sara who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! I cannot wait to meet this kid.
So, life...it keeps on spinning. Earlier this week we loaded up a Dodge Mini-Van (how sexy is that?) along with our two kitties and made the 13+ hour drive to Chicago. We spent a mere twenty-four hours there before hopping a jet plane back to NYC only to immediately load a Uhaul truck with Jurg's stuff and move him into his new abode in Astoria. The madness was capped off with a thorough deep cleaning of the old Sunnyside apartment. I'm talking Easy Off, yellow rubber gloves, on your knees while you scrub almost eight months' worth of dinners from the inside of the oven cleaning. But it is done. Now it's a matter of getting through this week while I live with Jurgen's two new roommates, and out of a suitcase. Not ideal, but we adapt.
I am interested to see where this new move takes me, takes us. What I have learned from this whole experience is we are never stuck, we do have the ability to pick up and go. To make decisions, make changes. As much as I want to control and set things in stone, there is some comfort in knowing that life moves and shakes without consulting you first, and sometimes you simply have to trust in it.
There is more where that came from my friends! In the meantime have a very happy Fourth!,
Friday, November 6, 2009
Any Place I hang My hat...
When I learned the news of Jürgen's show closing my immediate reaction, aside from the shock, was of course to ask if he was ok (I am such a doting wife), however the main question that quickly sprang to my mind was "how will we ever afford to pay our rent." When we decided on a place to live in NYC (technically in Queens...details, details) we naturally searched for places within a certain price range which could easily be met each month with Jürgen's projected salary. Well...you know what happened next.
I have always been pretty particular about where I live, and I have learned the hard way if I don't like the space I can come home to, I generally don't thrive outside of my abode. I was so excited about our little Sunnyside dwelling and was devastated at the thought of having to move again. I knew we were going to have to make some sacrifices, now that a cog had been thrown in the wheel, but it was hard for me to swallow and let go.
Now would be a good time to give you a bit of a visual, so you can perhaps see where I am coming from!
Views of our street, which is tree lined and quiet, and the front of our building.
The entryway (you take the stairs to the right to get to us!)
Standing at the front door, looking down the hallway into the kitchen (and Stanley!)
Our living room: to the right of the front door, and then standing in the corner facing the front (obviously)
Stanley is ready for his close up
Our lovely kitchen. Whats that GORGEOUS silver contraption? Well that's an IN UNIT washer and dryer! (do you see now why I wouldn't want to move!)
Our bedroom (Toaster is in the background enjoying the windowsill), and one of our closets. The bedroom doesn't look like much here but it is actually very spacious and light filled.
And finally, the bathroom.
As you can see it's a nice place! It's newly renovated and very well kept (which will hopefully cut down on the appearance of furry and/or multi-legged creatures). We debated back and forth for quite awhile about what to do, but after much discussion we have decided to stay put...for now anyway. Some numbers have been crunched and we have figured out what we need to bring in each month in order to afford it, while not being forced to subsist on Ramen and water. Only time will tell how challenging this will be, and what's the sense in having a NYC adventure without a few challenges along the way! It's a fight worth fighting we think, and we won't wave a white flag that easily. If we realize we have to move, then at least we know we tried.
I never wear hats, but if I did, I would happily hang it here.
I have always been pretty particular about where I live, and I have learned the hard way if I don't like the space I can come home to, I generally don't thrive outside of my abode. I was so excited about our little Sunnyside dwelling and was devastated at the thought of having to move again. I knew we were going to have to make some sacrifices, now that a cog had been thrown in the wheel, but it was hard for me to swallow and let go.
Now would be a good time to give you a bit of a visual, so you can perhaps see where I am coming from!
Views of our street, which is tree lined and quiet, and the front of our building.
Standing at the front door, looking down the hallway into the kitchen (and Stanley!)
Our living room: to the right of the front door, and then standing in the corner facing the front (obviously)
Our bedroom (Toaster is in the background enjoying the windowsill), and one of our closets. The bedroom doesn't look like much here but it is actually very spacious and light filled.
As you can see it's a nice place! It's newly renovated and very well kept (which will hopefully cut down on the appearance of furry and/or multi-legged creatures). We debated back and forth for quite awhile about what to do, but after much discussion we have decided to stay put...for now anyway. Some numbers have been crunched and we have figured out what we need to bring in each month in order to afford it, while not being forced to subsist on Ramen and water. Only time will tell how challenging this will be, and what's the sense in having a NYC adventure without a few challenges along the way! It's a fight worth fighting we think, and we won't wave a white flag that easily. If we realize we have to move, then at least we know we tried.
I never wear hats, but if I did, I would happily hang it here.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
NYC just got here this morning...
NYC Just Got Here This Morning....
Three bucks, two bags, one me!
Actually I arrived at 4:45pm, had three bags, and it cost me five bucks to buy one of those luggage trolley thingy’s at the airport. Clearly the lyrics to that song (can you name that tune?) need to be updated.
I am twenty seven today, and I have come to decide that the only thing more uneventful than turning twenty seven, is turning twenty six.
Also, I am in New York now. I haven’t moved to a new city since 2001 when I set my sights on Chicago, where I would earn an extremely marketable degree in Acting. Aside from brief stints in London and the small town of Readfield, Maine I have basically stayed put. Heck, growing up the farthest I moved away was about a five minute drive. I may crave adventure, but I am also very satiated by stability. It’s a constant struggle to find a balance between these two halves of myself.
Thankfully I have a few people who can provide me some stability as I settle into the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple. This cast of characters include: My fabulous brother Neill, my bestest friend Brittany, and of course Jürgen, my better half. They will certainly be making many guest appearences in future blog posts. Brittany greeted me as I arrived in Queens, and like the good friend she is she came bearing gifts in the form of alcohol. Score. We sipped Prosecco as I cleaned myself up and then we joined Neill and Jürgen at City Winery for a little birthday nosh. Loved ones and wine, it doesn’t get much better than that.
On the train ride home Jürgen mentioned “I don’t have anywhere to be anymore,” and my heart hurt a little. Anytime a show closes an actor goes through a bit of a grieving process where you force yourself to re-adjust to real life. So much of your time is taken up with rehearsals, performances and social time with your cast that it’s easy to forget there is a big wide world outside. However this time was very different and we both knew it. This was a premature ending. A chord was cut surprisingly, unknowingly and it sure gave a shock to the system.
Happy Birthday to me!
Despite the shaky nature of my first day as a twenty seven year old, I don’t go to bed sad. I spent the morning with my parents and the evening with my New York Posse. I received many calls, texts, and facebook messages from people all over the country. I feel loved, thankful and hopeful that twenty seven could be a rather eventful year.
Three bucks, two bags, one me!
Actually I arrived at 4:45pm, had three bags, and it cost me five bucks to buy one of those luggage trolley thingy’s at the airport. Clearly the lyrics to that song (can you name that tune?) need to be updated.
I am twenty seven today, and I have come to decide that the only thing more uneventful than turning twenty seven, is turning twenty six.
Also, I am in New York now. I haven’t moved to a new city since 2001 when I set my sights on Chicago, where I would earn an extremely marketable degree in Acting. Aside from brief stints in London and the small town of Readfield, Maine I have basically stayed put. Heck, growing up the farthest I moved away was about a five minute drive. I may crave adventure, but I am also very satiated by stability. It’s a constant struggle to find a balance between these two halves of myself.
Thankfully I have a few people who can provide me some stability as I settle into the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple. This cast of characters include: My fabulous brother Neill, my bestest friend Brittany, and of course Jürgen, my better half. They will certainly be making many guest appearences in future blog posts. Brittany greeted me as I arrived in Queens, and like the good friend she is she came bearing gifts in the form of alcohol. Score. We sipped Prosecco as I cleaned myself up and then we joined Neill and Jürgen at City Winery for a little birthday nosh. Loved ones and wine, it doesn’t get much better than that.
On the train ride home Jürgen mentioned “I don’t have anywhere to be anymore,” and my heart hurt a little. Anytime a show closes an actor goes through a bit of a grieving process where you force yourself to re-adjust to real life. So much of your time is taken up with rehearsals, performances and social time with your cast that it’s easy to forget there is a big wide world outside. However this time was very different and we both knew it. This was a premature ending. A chord was cut surprisingly, unknowingly and it sure gave a shock to the system.
Happy Birthday to me!
Despite the shaky nature of my first day as a twenty seven year old, I don’t go to bed sad. I spent the morning with my parents and the evening with my New York Posse. I received many calls, texts, and facebook messages from people all over the country. I feel loved, thankful and hopeful that twenty seven could be a rather eventful year.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A Pumpkin of Positivity
Happy Halloween to all.
I did not sleep well last night, and as I come out of my groggy state I recount yesterday’s events. Oh yeah, that thing happened yesterday.
I lay there and start to get angry and a bit sad. I realize yesterday I said the pity party would stop, but I lied a little bit. I need a few days of self pity before I move forward. It just feels like the right thing to do.
My parents were unaware of yesterday’s announcement as I decided to leave that bit of daily info out of the dinner conversation. Pork Belly certainly doesn’t mix well with tears. I knew I needed to inform them right away, so I stumbled into the kitchen and asked if they had read the Times this morning. They hadn’t. Crap. So I tell them. Shock and awe ensues. Questions are asked, and I slam a few doors in reaction to my mom’s seeming lack of support and encouragement. She apologizes and we move on. In the end, they know as well I as do that this is life, and it happens all the time, particularly in this industry. There isn’t much any one of us can do so we simply have to take it day by day.
I have to give a little shout out to Jürgen for taking the news incredibly well, perhaps better than I did. We both have tempers, but he really remained very calm when he delivered the news and during the subsequent conversations later that night. I am very proud of him for this. After all he lost his job, not me. He has to say goodbye to some new friends and figure out what he is doing next. Really I just felt angry for him, and for the entire company. My heart breaks for all of the actors, crew, and especially for the children in the show who were making their Broadway debut. Welcome to life as an actor kiddos, it certainly sucks sometimes.
Throughout the day I feel various waves of emotion, but mostly I am irritated at the producers. I don’t know them personally and I am sure this decision wasn’t made lightly, but still can’t you give the show a little time? The holiday’s are right around the corner and ticket sales will certainly pick up. Doesn’t the playwright know some people who can front some cash? Why didn’t you have a deeper cash reserve? I realize my anger won’t get me anywhere, but it certainly feels good to try to blame someone.
(I could go into my feelings on the state of theatre in general and why I think Broadway is struggling, but I will save those feelings for a later post).
Still, the day ends up being quite lovely. As a birthday gift to my mom and myself, my Dad gives us each a spa treatment. My massage therapist comments on the “mammoth knots” in my shoulders and says “something must be stressing you out.” I chuckle and say “I am moving tomorrow.”
Early in the evening many children visit my front porch for Halloween candy and I greet them with enthusiasm. Two dear friends come over, and one brings her adorable little boy (decked out in a beyond cute lion costume) and we talk about my news, among other things. I will miss them a lot. My parents and I have a fantastic dinner at Art Smith’s restaurant, Table 52, and they remind me how lucky I am. I don’t dispute this claim as I know in my heart how true their words are.
That evening after they have gone to sleep I talk to Jürgen and he tells me he made me a “Positivity Pumpkin” today. The entire cast decorated pumpkins between shows and he chose to make one for me. I find this to be incredibly sweet, and very apt. Positivity is the only thing that will get us through this little quagmire of a situation.
By the time I go to sleep I am 27. I hadn’t planned to move to NYC on my birthday, but I am kind of glad the cards fell that way. It feels right, and, symbolic somehow.
I did not sleep well last night, and as I come out of my groggy state I recount yesterday’s events. Oh yeah, that thing happened yesterday.
I lay there and start to get angry and a bit sad. I realize yesterday I said the pity party would stop, but I lied a little bit. I need a few days of self pity before I move forward. It just feels like the right thing to do.
My parents were unaware of yesterday’s announcement as I decided to leave that bit of daily info out of the dinner conversation. Pork Belly certainly doesn’t mix well with tears. I knew I needed to inform them right away, so I stumbled into the kitchen and asked if they had read the Times this morning. They hadn’t. Crap. So I tell them. Shock and awe ensues. Questions are asked, and I slam a few doors in reaction to my mom’s seeming lack of support and encouragement. She apologizes and we move on. In the end, they know as well I as do that this is life, and it happens all the time, particularly in this industry. There isn’t much any one of us can do so we simply have to take it day by day.
I have to give a little shout out to Jürgen for taking the news incredibly well, perhaps better than I did. We both have tempers, but he really remained very calm when he delivered the news and during the subsequent conversations later that night. I am very proud of him for this. After all he lost his job, not me. He has to say goodbye to some new friends and figure out what he is doing next. Really I just felt angry for him, and for the entire company. My heart breaks for all of the actors, crew, and especially for the children in the show who were making their Broadway debut. Welcome to life as an actor kiddos, it certainly sucks sometimes.
Throughout the day I feel various waves of emotion, but mostly I am irritated at the producers. I don’t know them personally and I am sure this decision wasn’t made lightly, but still can’t you give the show a little time? The holiday’s are right around the corner and ticket sales will certainly pick up. Doesn’t the playwright know some people who can front some cash? Why didn’t you have a deeper cash reserve? I realize my anger won’t get me anywhere, but it certainly feels good to try to blame someone.
(I could go into my feelings on the state of theatre in general and why I think Broadway is struggling, but I will save those feelings for a later post).
Still, the day ends up being quite lovely. As a birthday gift to my mom and myself, my Dad gives us each a spa treatment. My massage therapist comments on the “mammoth knots” in my shoulders and says “something must be stressing you out.” I chuckle and say “I am moving tomorrow.”
Early in the evening many children visit my front porch for Halloween candy and I greet them with enthusiasm. Two dear friends come over, and one brings her adorable little boy (decked out in a beyond cute lion costume) and we talk about my news, among other things. I will miss them a lot. My parents and I have a fantastic dinner at Art Smith’s restaurant, Table 52, and they remind me how lucky I am. I don’t dispute this claim as I know in my heart how true their words are.
That evening after they have gone to sleep I talk to Jürgen and he tells me he made me a “Positivity Pumpkin” today. The entire cast decorated pumpkins between shows and he chose to make one for me. I find this to be incredibly sweet, and very apt. Positivity is the only thing that will get us through this little quagmire of a situation.
By the time I go to sleep I am 27. I hadn’t planned to move to NYC on my birthday, but I am kind of glad the cards fell that way. It feels right, and, symbolic somehow.
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