Five Years

It has been said that we greatly over estimate what we can accomplish in one year, and greatly under estimate what we can accomplish in five. An interesting theory, particularly when you are in a state of transition.

There are two books which sit on my nightstand in honor of the number five. Both were suggested to me by friends and they are interesting tools when you wish to gain some perspective on your life.

The first is my Five Year Diary. It was gifted to me by Jürgen as part of our first wedding anniversary, for I had always wanted one. Unlike a regular journal with blank ruled pages. this notebook has a page for every day of the year and each page is divided into five sections. The idea is that you simply jot down a few things you did that day, or perhaps a few thoughts you had. After a period of five years you can look through each day and see how life changes from year to year. Admittedly it takes some dedication, and there is a period of time from last year when I fell way behind with my journal. Now I am trying to recollect certain days to fill in the gaps, but as far as this year I am up to speed. I am excited to see how the next few years pan out and what happens.

The second is a workbook aptly titled "5" by Dan Zadra. It requires that you pull out a pen and maybe even some extra paper and leads you through a series of exercises to help you envision and create intentions for the next five years and, ultimately, your life. I am very early into this process, but I am eager to begin to dedicate more time to this work. Who knows where my life will be in five years? I do think its important to be malleable and open to possibilities that you may not have thought possible, but at the same time it's important that we take control of our own personal journey. This is a great tool to oil the mind and get the gears working.

All things considered it's also a good idea not to dwell too much on the future but be present and take things one day at a time.  It's a delicate balance, one that we all struggle with I imagine. However I don't think it's ever a bad idea to do some self work and question asking.

Do you think it's a good idea to think about your life five years from now, or do you prefer to take it day by day?

So what happened....

From the age of about twelve to sixteen I used to keep a journal pretty regularly, and when (much to my chagrin) I go back and re-read them I find that a typical entry is just a retelling of the days events. Rarely did I really delve into any "deep thoughts". Instead, it was usually pretty pointed and frankly pretty boring. Sure, there are some entries in there that I would prefer to take to my grave, but for the most part my diaries are not the stuff that great literary or autobiographical magic is made on.

In fact I would often get behind in my journaling, because you know life as a seventh grader is stressful, and instead of just going with the flow and realizing that my journal was my private space to write any way I wanted to, I felt tied to the structure and expectations I set for myself about writing an entry every single day. As a result I was often playing catch up and trying to recall events from days even weeks prior. Many of my entries looked like this:

                  March 17th

                         Nothing interesting happened today

                     Blair

Over the years I have given myself more freedom when it comes to my journal writing, now I try to be present when I write and not feel as though my journal is a vessel to record history but rather a creative outlet for me to express myself. While this is all very freeing its also made me a very lazy writer. The journal I am currently writing in has entries from 2006, and I am only about halfway through. Half of a year will transpire between entries sometimes, and while I don't want to punish myself, I do think that there has got to be a happy medium between setting an unrealistic expectation about writing everyday, and basically not writing at all.


What that medium is remains to be seen, but in a nod to my adolescent self I will recount a few of the things that happened between July 10th and right now (give or take a few days).

-I finally got a new day job and now work for these lovely folks. It's a totally new environment for me full of really quirky interesting people and I never would have been hired had I not known someone on the inside.

-I now make my bed every single day. I never did this before but the day I moved back to Chicago I started this morning ritual and now I feel as if I cannot truly begin the day until the bed is made. Strange. But true.

-I have been on an organizing rampage since my return and frequently spend weekend evenings taking everything out of cupboards and rearranging them. This may make me old and boring, but I drink wine while I organize so I think that ups the coolness factor.

-And speaking of getting older, I turned 28 recently, but I still get called into audition for roles that 16 year olds could play so there!

-I raised money for, produced, and acted in a play that I fell in love with almost two years ago. It was a unique experience for me that was met with many different emotions and reactions from myself and others. However, I am very glad I got to see it come to life and very thankful to all who made it possible. Oh and I took my shirt off and donned a orange polka-dotted bra onstage.

-Jürgen and I have managed to see each other once a month at least. So far he has always come to me, I have yet to go back to New York. People wonder how we do this, but I have to say I think its incredibly cool that we get to be married but still pursue our dreams in the places that make the most sense to us. I recommend it highly.

-A major motion picture has been filming in Chicago and for some reason I managed to nab a day player role in it. I got to so a scene with this actor, and I wore a yellow plastic hazmat suit and very little makeup. I am certain the scene will never make it to the big screen, but a girl can dream can't she?

-I am currently in a bit of a "what am I doing with my life" phase. But I actually kind of like it. I feel as though all this questioning will only lead to great things.

-I do not miss New York at all, and it's almost as if it never even happened. Eight months of my life and it seems like a dream. A distant memory. It's so strange to me that I can feel so removed from a situation that had such a profound affect on me in so many ways, but maybe that was the point.

 And...that just about covers it. 

I am thinking a lot about this blog and what I want it to be going forward. If you have any thoughts about things you liked from past entries or things you would like to hear about please let me know, I swear I am very receptive to such opinions! In the meantime I am going to work on marrying my rigid adolescent self with my somewhat jaded older self. There can be great freedom within structure, you just have to strike the right balance.

Wow, when I write that it makes it sound so easy....

As I search for balance I do hope that everyone is having a very happy and healthy holiday season!

Christmastime is here...

How did it become December? Seriously, who allowed that to happen?

Even though each passing year seems to go by faster than the last, I do love the month of December. The holiday lights that flicker up and down my street. The chance to eat rich and sweet foods and feel totally justified in doing so (the calories don't count because they were consumed at a dinner party right?).  Buying loved ones gifts that you know will make them happy. I even told some friends of mine the other day "I don't mind the snow in December. Any other month it pisses me off but during December I am fine with it." It feels as if it should be snowing, it just makes the lights on the trees shine brighter and peoples homes feel warmer.

This time of year is also steeped in tradition and while I consider myself rather non-traditional in many ways, there is something about holiday time rituals which I have no desire to ever let go.  Now that I am a married lady its also fun to learn about Jürgen's family traditions and to think about ways to create our own as the years go by.

A tradition my family has kept for years has been the annual Christmas card photo. There certainly were times growing up when my brother and I protested getting our photos taken, and there have definitely been years where creative ideas evaded us, but having a yearly holiday photo card is an amazing way to document a families growth, and I am so thankful that my parents have been steadfast in their commitment to mailing them out year after year.

It was my intention to start this tradition for our new family last year, however a few things happened which made life difficult and well we just didn't get around to it. However this year I have vowed that we would get organized enough to send out holiday cards to those we know and love.

I had not yet decided how I was going to go about getting our holiday cards together "when what to my wondering eyes should appear" but this incredible deal from Shutterfly!

Being a bit of a Shutterfly novice (I am ashamed to say) I had no idea how many incredible holiday card choices they have! Any color, any theme, I assure you they've got you covered.  You could spend hours upon hours (and I am not ashamed to admit it, I did!) perusing their site to find your perfect card, not to mention all kinds of other cool photo inspired gifts (personalized calendars, beautifully bound photo books and so much more).  I am officially a Shutterfly convert!

It took me quite a while but I am down to these three holiday card layouts.

I love the simplicity of it, plus I am a fool for anything that is deep blue!

This is so festive and gives you a great opportunity to add a bunch of photos from throughout the year. It's a little "photo retrospective" all in one adorable holiday card!

They call this one "vintage snowflakes" which i just love. It's unique and offers multiple options for how many photos you want to use.

It's hard to pick just one! What do you think? Do you have a favorite? Cast your vote now!

I cannot wait to start the holiday card tradition this year and for the years to follow.  It's such a great way to spread holiday cheer to family and friends both near and far!

The holiday cards have already started hitting my mailbox this year and I am just so thankful to have so many incredible people in my life, especially during the holidays! If you are still unsure what to do for your holiday card just go to Shutterfly, it's super easy to use and they have so many incredible options!

Happy Holiday Card sending to all!

P.S- Once I get the holiday card situation under control, next project will be creating a massive wedding album. 

Dusting off the cobwebs....

Wow.

Um, hi.

My name is Blair. I used to write a blog (on a semi-regular basis at least).  Some people even told me they enjoyed reading it, and I actually enjoyed writing it. But then I stopped writing for no good reason other than I just got kind of busy.

It's a lame excuse to be sure.

In all honestly it's a little scary to come back here. When I first felt inspired to write this blog I had quite the story to tell. Blogging was a bit of an escape from some unpleasant life events and a means to cope with all of the change. Now I sort of wonder what do I really want to write about? What story do I have to tell?

It would be easy to just stop and let the blog fade into the background, but I find myself at a bit of a crossroads and I think this little space of mine may just be the perfect place to regain some focus, and allow for some creative discovery.  Plus, winter has come and comfortably settled into Chicago which means I will be spending many housebound nights by my lonesome. What a perfect setting to open a bottle of wine and do a little writing? It will warm the soul I have no doubt.

So I am back. Ready to return to writing and seeing what comes. I have no idea what I plan to say but I feel ok about that for now, and I look forward to new stories unfolding along the way.

Moving Day

Well my friends, the day has come, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" if you will.  Currently we are enjoying a leisurely morning in the cool of Jürgen's nicely air conditioned bedroom, but we will soon make out way outside to enjoy some final moments together before we part for an undetermined amount of time.

I feel lots of different things right now: I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel confident yet I also feel unsure. I feel like a failure but feel hopeful.  It's a bevy of emotions really.

I know that going back to Chicago is the right decision for me, right now, but that doesn't undo the fact that I am upset with myself for not trying harder since I have been out here.  Yes life threw me a curve ball and I adjusted, but if I am going to strive to be totally honest, I need to admit that I gave up. I was a quitter.  I didn't put myself out there.  I folded the hand of cards I was dealt before I even tried to hedge a bet. What's that about? This isn't a good side of me. This isn't the person who I strive to be and know I can be.  What was the point of all of this?

I am not sure I know just yet.  I do know though that I cannot continue down this road. This road of unmet goals and excuses.  If I am going to make this move, a move that will separate the two of us, then it has to be worth it.  I have to take charge of where my life is headed and what I want it to look like.  This is scary.

So I have a new challenge: to reclaim my life and make it better. I am moving back to the place I consider home, so there will be a familiar comfort, but I can't let myself get too comfortable.  This move is a change, not a fall back.  I do not intend to simply go back to "how things were" pre-NYC, because that path wasn't what I wanted either.  I want this to be new, I want this to be different.  I hope to God I do not disappoint myself again.  That's what scares me the most.

Well it's getting awfully heavy over here (you should be inside my head!).  Jokes aside, I am glad I am scared because it means I feel strongly about this, and this just may be what I need to spur me into action. It's ok to be a little afraid right? 

Good I am glad you agree.

Next time I sit down to write I will be home in Chicago.  Crazy.

Tunnel Vision

First of all let me just start by saying thank you for all of the kind and encouraging words I received via either the comments section of this blog, or facebook, or in a sweet email or in person. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support, encouragement and belief. It feels good to share, and to be appreciated in return. Thank you my dear people.

Since the last entry life has been on hyper drive, and I have been trying my darndest to keep it all together until I reach the end of the tunnel.  This "end" of sorts will occur in one week.  I just have to make it one week.  Lots of things have happened, so I am going to tell you about them. Away we go....

If you didn't already know this, I made the definitive decision to move back to Chicago. Notice I used the term "I" and not "We."  Now to be fair, I didn't make this decision without Jurgen's help, advice and encouragement as he has been involved in every facet of the decision making process. But it will simply be me who is trekking back to the Mid-West. Jurg will be staying put, for a little while longer at least.  This wasn't an easy choice to make, but it is the right choice for now.  I haven't been thriving in New York, which invariably makes me a pretty un-fun person to be around, and Jurgen understands this. He knows that I need to go back for personal (and professional) reasons, and being the supportive and loving husband that he is, he is letting me go. Isn't he lovely? He is staying because while he too misses Chicago terribly, he feels he owes it to himself to give it a final push here in the city before he possibly makes a decision to leave.  He has made more connections here and has more momentum than I do, and I 100% understand and support his desire to stick around a bit longer.  Sometimes in a relationship you need to be selfish and unselfish at the exact same time, which is what we are doing (for the moment).

Once the big decision was made there were many more decisions that accompanied it including but not limited to "when do I move?" "what do we do about our lease?" "Where will Jurgen live?"

Being a grownup is so annoying sometimes. 

In the midst of all of these decisions, Jurgen's Grandfather passed away. He was 82, was called the "Perry Cuomo of Baltimore" and endured a (thankfully) short battle with brain cancer.  The funeral was held on June 19th and Jurgen delivered the most incredible eulogy at the service. So good in fact, that several attendants already put in their requests for Jurgen to write and give their eulogies.  Being that Jurgen and I are from different home states, and we don't live particularly close to either of them, spending time with one another's family is limited.  Sadly I didn't get to spend a lot of time with his Grandfather, but I did have the extreme pleasure of sitting with him on the balcony of his wonderful beach condo in Ocean City two years ago, seeing him cut a rug all night long at our wedding, and to speak with him over Memorial Day weekend. The final time we saw him he was nearing the end of his time here on earth, but he kept repeating "Don't feel bad for me. I am ready to go. I am so happy. I am so happy!"  If we all could be at such peace.  I hope he is singing Frank Sinatra up in the skies, dancing with his wife and giving my grandparents hi-fives for me.

Side note: With every end to a life a new life seems to emerge, as was the case for my friend Sara who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! I cannot wait to meet this kid.

So, life...it keeps on spinning. Earlier this week we loaded up a Dodge Mini-Van (how sexy is that?) along with our two kitties and made the 13+ hour drive to Chicago. We spent a mere twenty-four hours there before hopping a jet plane back to NYC only to immediately load a Uhaul truck with Jurg's stuff and move him into his new abode in Astoria.  The madness was capped off with a thorough deep cleaning of the old Sunnyside apartment. I'm talking Easy Off, yellow rubber gloves, on your knees while you scrub almost eight months' worth of dinners from the inside of the oven cleaning. But it is done. Now it's a matter of getting through this week while I live with Jurgen's two new roommates, and out of a suitcase. Not ideal, but we adapt.

I am interested to see where this new move takes me, takes us.  What I have learned from this whole experience is we are never stuck, we do have the ability to pick up and go. To make decisions, make changes. As much as I want to control and set things in stone, there is some comfort in knowing that life moves and shakes without consulting you first, and sometimes you simply have to trust in it.

There is more where that came from my friends! In the meantime have a very happy Fourth!,

The Seven Month Itch or Sharing Your Heart

I have been putting off writing this entry for months now. I started writing a version of this entry when I hit my three month mark, then I said I would complete it by four months, then five, and now I have been here for seven months and ten days and I am still struggling to write it.

I was told by a very wise man that I should use this blog as a space to "share my heart", an opportunity I have all but run away from since I started writing. Sure every now and then I reveal a glimmer of my inner feelings, but they are usually coupled with sarcastic comments or an attempt to be humorous. I have always been a very private person, and have never been particularly keen on talking about my feelings. Some might call this being "emotionally closed," while others (well probably just myself) may chose to call it "mysterious." Take your pick. However, it's becoming apparent to me that I need to be honest with you, with myself, about where I am right now.

I am not pleased. I am unhappy. I am not enjoying New York and I want to go home.

There I said it. I admitted it. Are you happy now?

The day I arrived in New York I was hopeful. I had suitcases full of hope. Subway cars even. Despite the news I had just received I was ready to take on the change, the challenge and the uncertain days that lay ahead. I set goals (none of which I have really accomplished...I am so terrible), I wrote blogs about positivity and being resourceful. I felt good for a bit, but slowly, little by little, the hope has begun to fade.

Life here in New york is tough, it's expensive, it's fast paced and it can feel very isolating. You are surrounded by millions of people but you only know a handful of them.  I have a good amount of friends out here, but many of them have lived here for awhile and therefore they have fully formed lives out here, lives that I don't have a regular place in. I am not resentful of this at all, it's just reality. I understand how much work it takes to create a life for yourself, and how much effort it takes to cultivate a new dimension of friendship. Everyone here has to work so hard to make ends meet, chase their dreams and all that.  It's hard to carve out time for someone new. 

I also have been spending way more time than I ever wanted to spend at my day job, better refereed to as my survival job. I know I am lucky to have it, but I didn't move to New York to work in customer service, if I wanted to do what I am doing right now I could have stayed in Chicago and lived much more comfortably. After spending several months working six days a week you find yourself wondering what you came out here to do in the first place, and even when you have a day off the last thing you want to do is wake up at 6am to go wait in line at an audition. 

Aside from the lack of time to pursue my passion, I have also felt a lack of passion when it comes to my passion. I just can't seem to generate any excitement when it comes to singing or auditioning or even seeing theatre. I feel rather numb and disinterested.  I have asked myself many times "is this really what I want to do?" "do I have what it takes?".  Just for the record these are not fun questions to ask, because the answers are not easy and they certainly are not clear.  This business of show is not a business to stay in if you aren't passionate, because passion and drive are the only things that will get your through to the other side. They are the only things that will get you out of bed in the morning, that will take you to class, that will keep you believing when you have been unemployed for a year. Passion, drive and well...hope. Without them you are lost. And that is how I have been feeling...lost.

I haven't been able to share this because writing about it frightens me. Literally in the past few weeks even coming to my blogging site has roused the beginnings of mild panic attacks. Like I don't even want to see my blog, I don't want to see how neglectful I have been or lazy I have become.  

About a month ago I was having a quick lunch with a friend and I said to him "this just isn't where I thought I would be at this point in my life."  Where I thought I would be I am not sure, but what he said to me was "isn't that just the way everyone feels right now?"  Apparently my feelings of discontent are not uncommon, but that didn't ease my pain. I don't like the idea of being one in a million of wayward, disillusioned, apathetic late twenty-somethings. That doesn't make me feel good. I don't regularly delight in the misfortune of others. I truly want great things for people, and for myself, I just don't quite know how to accomplish them at the moment.

In the meantime, I will say that I do not regret my decision to come here. I am proud of myself for taking a risk, exploring a new city, embracing challenge and change.  Above all, what I have been most thankful for during my time here in NYC has been the chance to form a true adult friendship with my brother.  He and I have not lived in the same city for almost ten years, and to finally be able to see one another on a regular basis has been such a gift. I feel that we are now not only siblings, but friends, great friends. This opportunity alone has been greater than any career opportunity I could have received, and for that I am truly thankful.

Clarity is what I am striving for and I am getting there.  Peace of mind would be nice too.  Some decisions are being made, which I will report back on very soon.  It truly is my intention to get back to blogging on a regular basis. Amidst the mire of uncertainty and doubt there have been plenty of cool things that have been happing in our life, and those stories deserve to be told too.

Thank you all for listening, for reading. I am sorry for being so neglectful, but I hope you will forgive me!  I will be back soon, and until then I hope you are all enjoying these new days of summer.