Saturday, July 10, 2010

Moving Day

Well my friends, the day has come, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" if you will.  Currently we are enjoying a leisurely morning in the cool of Jürgen's nicely air conditioned bedroom, but we will soon make out way outside to enjoy some final moments together before we part for an undetermined amount of time.

I feel lots of different things right now: I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel confident yet I also feel unsure. I feel like a failure but feel hopeful.  It's a bevy of emotions really.

I know that going back to Chicago is the right decision for me, right now, but that doesn't undo the fact that I am upset with myself for not trying harder since I have been out here.  Yes life threw me a curve ball and I adjusted, but if I am going to strive to be totally honest, I need to admit that I gave up. I was a quitter.  I didn't put myself out there.  I folded the hand of cards I was dealt before I even tried to hedge a bet. What's that about? This isn't a good side of me. This isn't the person who I strive to be and know I can be.  What was the point of all of this?

I am not sure I know just yet.  I do know though that I cannot continue down this road. This road of unmet goals and excuses.  If I am going to make this move, a move that will separate the two of us, then it has to be worth it.  I have to take charge of where my life is headed and what I want it to look like.  This is scary.

So I have a new challenge: to reclaim my life and make it better. I am moving back to the place I consider home, so there will be a familiar comfort, but I can't let myself get too comfortable.  This move is a change, not a fall back.  I do not intend to simply go back to "how things were" pre-NYC, because that path wasn't what I wanted either.  I want this to be new, I want this to be different.  I hope to God I do not disappoint myself again.  That's what scares me the most.

Well it's getting awfully heavy over here (you should be inside my head!).  Jokes aside, I am glad I am scared because it means I feel strongly about this, and this just may be what I need to spur me into action. It's ok to be a little afraid right? 

Good I am glad you agree.

Next time I sit down to write I will be home in Chicago.  Crazy.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Tunnel Vision

First of all let me just start by saying thank you for all of the kind and encouraging words I received via either the comments section of this blog, or facebook, or in a sweet email or in person. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support, encouragement and belief. It feels good to share, and to be appreciated in return. Thank you my dear people.

Since the last entry life has been on hyper drive, and I have been trying my darndest to keep it all together until I reach the end of the tunnel.  This "end" of sorts will occur in one week.  I just have to make it one week.  Lots of things have happened, so I am going to tell you about them. Away we go....

If you didn't already know this, I made the definitive decision to move back to Chicago. Notice I used the term "I" and not "We."  Now to be fair, I didn't make this decision without Jurgen's help, advice and encouragement as he has been involved in every facet of the decision making process. But it will simply be me who is trekking back to the Mid-West. Jurg will be staying put, for a little while longer at least.  This wasn't an easy choice to make, but it is the right choice for now.  I haven't been thriving in New York, which invariably makes me a pretty un-fun person to be around, and Jurgen understands this. He knows that I need to go back for personal (and professional) reasons, and being the supportive and loving husband that he is, he is letting me go. Isn't he lovely? He is staying because while he too misses Chicago terribly, he feels he owes it to himself to give it a final push here in the city before he possibly makes a decision to leave.  He has made more connections here and has more momentum than I do, and I 100% understand and support his desire to stick around a bit longer.  Sometimes in a relationship you need to be selfish and unselfish at the exact same time, which is what we are doing (for the moment).

Once the big decision was made there were many more decisions that accompanied it including but not limited to "when do I move?" "what do we do about our lease?" "Where will Jurgen live?"

Being a grownup is so annoying sometimes. 

In the midst of all of these decisions, Jurgen's Grandfather passed away. He was 82, was called the "Perry Cuomo of Baltimore" and endured a (thankfully) short battle with brain cancer.  The funeral was held on June 19th and Jurgen delivered the most incredible eulogy at the service. So good in fact, that several attendants already put in their requests for Jurgen to write and give their eulogies.  Being that Jurgen and I are from different home states, and we don't live particularly close to either of them, spending time with one another's family is limited.  Sadly I didn't get to spend a lot of time with his Grandfather, but I did have the extreme pleasure of sitting with him on the balcony of his wonderful beach condo in Ocean City two years ago, seeing him cut a rug all night long at our wedding, and to speak with him over Memorial Day weekend. The final time we saw him he was nearing the end of his time here on earth, but he kept repeating "Don't feel bad for me. I am ready to go. I am so happy. I am so happy!"  If we all could be at such peace.  I hope he is singing Frank Sinatra up in the skies, dancing with his wife and giving my grandparents hi-fives for me.

Side note: With every end to a life a new life seems to emerge, as was the case for my friend Sara who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! I cannot wait to meet this kid.

So, keeps on spinning. Earlier this week we loaded up a Dodge Mini-Van (how sexy is that?) along with our two kitties and made the 13+ hour drive to Chicago. We spent a mere twenty-four hours there before hopping a jet plane back to NYC only to immediately load a Uhaul truck with Jurg's stuff and move him into his new abode in Astoria.  The madness was capped off with a thorough deep cleaning of the old Sunnyside apartment. I'm talking Easy Off, yellow rubber gloves, on your knees while you scrub almost eight months' worth of dinners from the inside of the oven cleaning. But it is done. Now it's a matter of getting through this week while I live with Jurgen's two new roommates, and out of a suitcase. Not ideal, but we adapt.

I am interested to see where this new move takes me, takes us.  What I have learned from this whole experience is we are never stuck, we do have the ability to pick up and go. To make decisions, make changes. As much as I want to control and set things in stone, there is some comfort in knowing that life moves and shakes without consulting you first, and sometimes you simply have to trust in it.

There is more where that came from my friends! In the meantime have a very happy Fourth!,