Well my friends, the day has come, the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" if you will. Currently we are enjoying a leisurely morning in the cool of Jürgen's nicely air conditioned bedroom, but we will soon make out way outside to enjoy some final moments together before we part for an undetermined amount of time.
I feel lots of different things right now: I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel confident yet I also feel unsure. I feel like a failure but feel hopeful. It's a bevy of emotions really.
I know that going back to Chicago is the right decision for me, right now, but that doesn't undo the fact that I am upset with myself for not trying harder since I have been out here. Yes life threw me a curve ball and I adjusted, but if I am going to strive to be totally honest, I need to admit that I gave up. I was a quitter. I didn't put myself out there. I folded the hand of cards I was dealt before I even tried to hedge a bet. What's that about? This isn't a good side of me. This isn't the person who I strive to be and know I can be. What was the point of all of this?
I am not sure I know just yet. I do know though that I cannot continue down this road. This road of unmet goals and excuses. If I am going to make this move, a move that will separate the two of us, then it has to be worth it. I have to take charge of where my life is headed and what I want it to look like. This is scary.
So I have a new challenge: to reclaim my life and make it better. I am moving back to the place I consider home, so there will be a familiar comfort, but I can't let myself get too comfortable. This move is a change, not a fall back. I do not intend to simply go back to "how things were" pre-NYC, because that path wasn't what I wanted either. I want this to be new, I want this to be different. I hope to God I do not disappoint myself again. That's what scares me the most.
Well it's getting awfully heavy over here (you should be inside my head!). Jokes aside, I am glad I am scared because it means I feel strongly about this, and this just may be what I need to spur me into action. It's ok to be a little afraid right?
Good I am glad you agree.
Next time I sit down to write I will be home in Chicago. Crazy.