From the age of about twelve to sixteen I used to keep a journal pretty regularly, and when (much to my chagrin) I go back and re-read them I find that a typical entry is just a retelling of the days events. Rarely did I really delve into any "deep thoughts". Instead, it was usually pretty pointed and frankly pretty boring. Sure, there are some entries in there that I would prefer to take to my grave, but for the most part my diaries are not the stuff that great literary or autobiographical magic is made on.
In fact I would often get behind in my journaling, because you know life as a seventh grader is stressful, and instead of just going with the flow and realizing that my journal was my private space to write any way I wanted to, I felt tied to the structure and expectations I set for myself about writing an entry every single day. As a result I was often playing catch up and trying to recall events from days even weeks prior. Many of my entries looked like this:
Nothing interesting happened today
Over the years I have given myself more freedom when it comes to my journal writing, now I try to be present when I write and not feel as though my journal is a vessel to record history but rather a creative outlet for me to express myself. While this is all very freeing its also made me a very lazy writer. The journal I am currently writing in has entries from 2006, and I am only about halfway through. Half of a year will transpire between entries sometimes, and while I don't want to punish myself, I do think that there has got to be a happy medium between setting an unrealistic expectation about writing everyday, and basically not writing at all.
What that medium is remains to be seen, but in a nod to my adolescent self I will recount a few of the things that happened between July 10th and right now (give or take a few days).
-I finally got a new day job and now work for these lovely folks. It's a totally new environment for me full of really quirky interesting people and I never would have been hired had I not known someone on the inside.
-I now make my bed every single day. I never did this before but the day I moved back to Chicago I started this morning ritual and now I feel as if I cannot truly begin the day until the bed is made. Strange. But true.
-I have been on an organizing rampage since my return and frequently spend weekend evenings taking everything out of cupboards and rearranging them. This may make me old and boring, but I drink wine while I organize so I think that ups the coolness factor.
-And speaking of getting older, I turned 28 recently, but I still get called into audition for roles that 16 year olds could play so there!
-I raised money for, produced, and acted in a play that I fell in love with almost two years ago. It was a unique experience for me that was met with many different emotions and reactions from myself and others. However, I am very glad I got to see it come to life and very thankful to all who made it possible. Oh and I took my shirt off and donned a orange polka-dotted bra onstage.
-Jürgen and I have managed to see each other once a month at least. So far he has always come to me, I have yet to go back to New York. People wonder how we do this, but I have to say I think its incredibly cool that we get to be married but still pursue our dreams in the places that make the most sense to us. I recommend it highly.
-A major motion picture has been filming in Chicago and for some reason I managed to nab a day player role in it. I got to so a scene with this actor, and I wore a yellow plastic hazmat suit and very little makeup. I am certain the scene will never make it to the big screen, but a girl can dream can't she?
-I am currently in a bit of a "what am I doing with my life" phase. But I actually kind of like it. I feel as though all this questioning will only lead to great things.
-I do not miss New York at all, and it's almost as if it never even happened. Eight months of my life and it seems like a dream. A distant memory. It's so strange to me that I can feel so removed from a situation that had such a profound affect on me in so many ways, but maybe that was the point.
And...that just about covers it.
I am thinking a lot about this blog and what I want it to be going forward. If you have any thoughts about things you liked from past entries or things you would like to hear about please let me know, I swear I am very receptive to such opinions! In the meantime I am going to work on marrying my rigid adolescent self with my somewhat jaded older self. There can be great freedom within structure, you just have to strike the right balance.
Wow, when I write that it makes it sound so easy....
As I search for balance I do hope that everyone is having a very happy and healthy holiday season!