A Pumpkin of Positivity

Happy Halloween to all. 

I did not sleep well last night, and as I come out of my groggy state I recount yesterday’s events. Oh yeah, that thing happened yesterday. 

I lay there and start to get angry and a bit sad.  I realize yesterday I said the pity party would stop, but I lied a little bit.  I need a few days of self pity before I move forward.  It just feels like the right thing to do. 

My parents were unaware of yesterday’s announcement as I decided to leave that bit of daily info out of the dinner conversation.  Pork Belly certainly doesn’t mix well with tears.  I knew I needed to inform them right away, so I stumbled into the kitchen and asked if they had read the Times this morning. They hadn’t. Crap. So I tell them. Shock and awe ensues.  Questions are asked, and I slam a few doors in reaction to my mom’s seeming lack of support and encouragement.  She apologizes and we move on.  In the end, they know as well I as do that this is life, and it happens all the time, particularly in this industry.  There isn’t much any one of us can do so we simply have to take it day by day. 

I have to give a little shout out to Jürgen for taking the news incredibly well, perhaps better than I did.  We both have tempers, but he really remained very calm when he delivered the news and during the subsequent conversations later that night.  I am very proud of him for this. After all he lost his job, not me.  He has to say goodbye to some new friends and figure out what he is doing next.  Really I just felt angry for him, and for the entire company.  My heart breaks for all of the actors, crew, and especially for the children in the show who were making their Broadway debut.  Welcome to life as an actor kiddos, it certainly sucks sometimes.

Throughout the day I feel various waves of emotion, but mostly I am irritated at the producers.  I don’t know them personally and I am sure this decision wasn’t made lightly, but still can’t you give the show a little time? The holiday’s are right around the corner and ticket sales will certainly pick up.  Doesn’t the playwright know some people who can front some cash? Why didn’t you have a deeper cash reserve?  I realize my anger won’t get me anywhere, but it certainly feels good to try to blame someone.

(I could go into my feelings on the state of theatre in general and why I think Broadway is struggling, but I will save those feelings for a later post).

Still, the day ends up being quite lovely. As a birthday gift to my mom and myself, my Dad gives us each a spa treatment.  My massage therapist comments on the “mammoth knots” in my shoulders and says “something must be stressing you out.”  I chuckle and say “I am moving tomorrow.”

Early in the evening  many children visit my front porch for Halloween candy and I greet them with enthusiasm. Two dear friends come over, and one brings her adorable little boy (decked out in a beyond cute lion costume) and we talk about my news, among other things.  I will miss them a lot.  My parents and I have a fantastic dinner at Art Smith’s restaurant, Table 52, and they remind me how lucky I am.  I don’t dispute this claim as I know in my heart how true their words are.

That evening after they have gone to sleep I talk to Jürgen and he tells me he made me a “Positivity Pumpkin” today.  The entire cast decorated pumpkins between shows and he chose to make one for me.  I find this to be incredibly sweet, and very apt.  Positivity is the only thing that will get us through this little quagmire of a situation. 

By the time I go to sleep I am 27.  I hadn’t planned to move to NYC on my birthday, but I am kind of glad the cards fell that way.  It feels right, and, symbolic somehow.