Monday was an interesting day. One of those days when you have a bit of a hard time being positive and believing you are actually making the right decisions. Don't ya just love those days?
I had mentioned in an earlier post that my initial intention was to stay in Chicago while Jürgen relocated to NYC. My reasoning was that I had a condo in Chicago, so many friends, a theatre company, and my career was being forged there. In a way it's as if I felt a loyalty to the city, as though my roots were so deeply planted that to uproot them would cause a size-mic shift in the earths plates or something. Chicago was it. My life was planned.
However, what I wasn't allowing myself to have was the option of freedom and possibility. The ability to control my own destiny and make choices. I had given it all to Chicago, and why? What does Chicago owe me? I can't even trust the city to keep the parking meters free on Sunday's let alone to determine my life path. When I really began to think about it, I was frustrated in Chicago. My career had basically hit a wall, and try as I might I couldn't find any way around it. This only resulted in me becoming more focused on the outcome, the result, rather than the process. I finally realized the only way for this wall to ever be demolished would be for me to literally turn around, and walk away. Otherwise, an impression of my forehead would be forever emblazoned on the front of it. It was time to leave.
Now I am in a city where no one has an idea of who I am. I can revel in the anonymity of it all! I can be whoever I choose to be. You here that NYC? It is I who will call the shots!
Still, for every glorious moment when I feel the swell of potential dreams in my chest, and the pounding of excitement in my heart (cue Jason Robert Brown music), there are five other moments where thoughts of total doubt and bleak reality slap me in the face, and I am not always strong enough to fight back. New York is huge and full of so many insanely talented people. If I was hitting a wall in Chicago what makes me think, for a second, New York will have built a door I can walk through, complete with a pretty mat in front of it to wipe my feet upon?
Damn, it's hard work to be positive sometimes!
The day's feelings of doubt were particularly unwelcome as I had my first meeting with a New York agent. Oh timing how you mock me! In truth, I think the meeting went pretty well. I felt I presented myself with confidence and determination, but if this gentlemen only knew how much stock I was putting into this chat of ours. I secretly had set up some unreal expectations that I would be given an immediate answer, and it my daydreams it was a resounding "yes! we want you!" However the reality is that there is a whole team of agents who have to sign off on you, so I will not know any sort of answer for a few days. This waiting game, I hate being a player.
Thank you to everyone who sent me positive vibes. I truly appreciate it! If it doesn't work out I will certainly survive, and of course blog about it along the way.