Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Today is the day when....

Blair starts to feel overwhelmed.

(so much so that apparently I need to refer to myself in the third person).

It was a relatively low key day as far as Tuesdays go.  We had eggs for breakfast, took our time getting ready and then headed into the city to run some errands.  One of which involved us going to Crate and Barrel and debating for a good thirty minutes about how we would spend a $26 gift card.  In the end we settled on several glass storage bowls which can be used to take ones lunch to work and to save food in the fridge. Totally boring, but totally practical.  This may become a theme in our life here.

I began to feel the dull pangs of anxiety when we went grocery shopping.  It never fails, it's always mundane life activities that send me into a whirlwind of panic.  Public speaking? Producing? Moving to the biggest city in the country? It rolls off me like water on a ducks back.  But put me in a place called "Foodtown" and I want to cry.  Thankfully I kept it together, but it wasn't easy I assure you.

Later in the evening I wanted to get the final articles of clothing hung up and be able to sit back and relax for the remainder of the night.  However, here is another activity that sends me into an internal tailspin: unpacking.  As I took each article of clothing out of my bag it literally felt as if another garment grew in it's place.  The process always feels long, tedious and sort of what I imagine Chinese water torture to be like. Alright that's dramatic, but it's a challenge for me nonetheless.  It began to hit me just how much my life had shifted in the past few days, and how unsure I was of the future.  It's a lot of tension for our little apartment in Queens to hold on a Tuesday night, but I suppose the best thing you can do with stress is treat it like a ghost: awknowledge that it's there, accept it's presence and ask it to leave.

In a way I realize I haven't truly bid goodbye to these feelings as of late, because in a way there is an odd comfort in them.  It's as though I know this is what I "should" be feeling and so I revel in the typicalness of my emotions.  As I write this I realize my big challenge during these first few weeks will be to not let this all get the best of me.  Certainly anxiety will be lurking around every corner, and it's ok to feel this way, but in the end I have choices to make.  I can decide what seeds I plant and how I choose to grow during my time here.  It's a lot of responsibility, but it's also very empowering. 

So there you have it, next time I go to Foodtown I will dominate the cereal aisle...just you wait and see.

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